So this week we will be revisiting one of my old college standbys, mac n' cheese! I briefly considered trying something more adventurous for this blog post, but I'm a practical man. I know my role pretty well. There are things in life that I excel at and then there's cooking (also sports, singing, and most things involving science). But that's the joy of being in a couple! You meet someone who compliments your faults so they can cover for you in all the areas in which you suck. So, needless to say, I lack some of the culinary prowess of my better half and usually defer to her around dinner time. When the need arises for sarcastic commentary or an encyclopedic knowledge of 80's video games, I take the lead. When it comes to cooking or delivering babies, I take on a support role (coincidentally, in both of those scenarios my responsibility is usually to boil water).
|The Misses is away. Not going to need these.|
You see, for me, the joy of mac n' cheese is the incredibly small amount of attention you have to give it while it's cooking. Recipes that allow me to wander off for long periods of time appeal to me. I like to tell people that it's because I'm a man of many interests and I just can't spare the time to focus exclusively on the mundane task of feeding myself. In reality, however, I'm just easily distracted and entirely too enamored by the "Play Now" option on the Netflix website (did you know you can watch all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer instantly? ALL SEVEN SEASONS!!!). So for me, box mac n' cheese is the way to go.
|Poke me for Pasta!|
You'll start by boiling some water. This is going to take some time, so wander off for a while and distract yourself. I passed the time burninating things.
Once the water is boiling, go ahead and defile the bunny and then pour the macaroni into the pot. The box says to let the noodles boil for 8-10 minutes, but you've got some wiggle room. I prefer to to boil until just after Buffy wraps up the big action sequence and comes to a natural pausing point.
|Yum! Dehydrated cheese product|
|Always think through your plan|
ahead of time.
At this point, you should have an entirely edible meal in front of you. However, if you want to kick it up a notch (and who doesn't!), dig around in the fridge and find that bottle of ketchup you've had in there since the Bush administration. You know the one. Apply the ketchup liberally to the mac n' cheese and whip it in with the big wooden spoon. You know you've added enough when the liquidy cheese substance turns a peculiar shade of fuchsia.
|I think I might throw in my|
old Half-Baked VHS.
This meal should serve one shameless human being. It's a perfect meal for any laid back evening when you're newly divorced, chronically depressed, or just plain lazy. The Baking Midwife should be back next week with more delicious recipes (God knows I'm counting the days). Until then, enjoy the mac n' cheese or, better yet, just go out and get something at the pub.
J's No-Pants Mac n' Cheese
Inspired by the recipe on the back of the box and a complete lack of motivation.
Boil Water over high heat.
Discard Pants and dick around for a while. Suddenly remember you have water boiling and rush back into the kitchen.
Add noodles to water and wander off again. Briefly enter a fugue state and lose all track of time. Fret about whether the noodles have been boiling way too long or not long enough. Remove from heat.
Mix 1/4 cup of milk with the dehydrated cheese product. Avoid questioning where the substance came from or where it is about to go. Under no circumstances make comparisons between the dried cheese and the burnt up dreams of your idealistic youth. Whip until smooth.
Drain noodles and add the cheese sauce. Stir in with wooden spoon. Add ketchup to taste. Do not experiment with mayonnaise. You still have standards.
Check wooden spoon for splinters. If none found, dig in. You can move the pot to the rug in front of the television, or just eat it standing at the stove. In either case, avoid all reflective surfaces while eating and try not to make direct eye contact with the dog.
|Probably shouldn't have left that there that long.|